July 15, 2022
Blood isn’t inviolable
A close relative’s birthday was the other day and I didn’t say anything. There’s a firm sadness about it because I wish we we had a normal relationship with good relations I’d imagine most others do.
I had to cut them out of my life a few years ago because of their toxic behavior and how they treated others in the family.
For some reason I used to think one shouldn’t cut family out of their life, that blood did not allow it and it wasn’t honorable. Maybe it’s because I was raised in the south, where family is bond.
I learned it doesn’t matter. That it’s a basic and inviolable human right to not be treated badly, family or not. There’s no obligation to keep someone in your life if they’re toxic.
It doesn’t mean one has to stop loving. I’ll always love them from afar, behind healthy boundaries. Sometimes that’s the only way to do it.
July 15, 2022
Peeling away layers & finding lost pieces
It wasn’t easy writing blood isn’t inviolable because it weighs heavily but also because I’m normally a private person. Yet I want to keep opening up and peel away these layers I hide behind. As a good friend of mine reminded me,
“…the unexamined life is not worth living.”
Of course some might think I’m being too open or that it’s none of anyone’s business. Maybe so but I write here for myself and none other.
That’s the way it should be, especially growing up all these years as a deaf person trying to conform to the ideals of hearing society and losing my own identity in the process.
This space is a way of reclaiming that identity halfway through my life. The journey towards openness isn’t without without occasional trepidations yet is refreshingly authentic and quite healing.
It feels like I’m recovering lost pieces of me back into who I am (hullo, Mr. red-Potato-head!).
July 14, 2022
Hiring by gut
While helping my COO transfer her crypto to a hard wallet, we dug deep into a potential hire for my business. Her and my employees are over the moon about them and they seem to check all the boxes for us.
The problem is my gut feels awful about it. That if we hire them it would somehow backfire on us. I keep digging into it and can’t shake it for whatever reason. It’s pretty frustrating sometimes.
I’m mulling overruling my gut and hiring them anyway and see how things go, esp. because in this day and age it’s getting harder to find quality people.
The thing is my gut is rarely wrong when it comes to hiring employees. So I’m stuck right now in pulling the trigger one way or another.
At least we have a bit more time to see how things play out.
I’m grateful our staff trusts my gut when it comes to these things. Their patience is a valuable gift because it keeps us from moving on things when it doesn’t feel right.
(FYI this was nearly a month ago, I’m catching up posting from my handwritten journal)
7/14 - FOOTNOTE: My gut was right after all and the situation resolved itself; we ended up hiring another person whom we’re excited about. Patience is indeed a virtue!
July 14, 2022
The struggle to write
Once again I struggled writing hiring by gut, tearing out page after page.
I realized I forgot to think of this blog as a personal journal first before anything else.
Once I corrected this thinking, words flowed again.
Part of the struggle is although this is to be a personal journal, for obvious reasons some things like names, specific details, etc. need to be masked out of respect for the privacy of others.
So I was stuttering around with my pen trying to wrangle the proper wording to say things and that’s when I reminded myself to keep writing personally and then make the changes needed after.
I put a note on top of my journal in big letters as a reminder:
“write for yourself first and sort the rest after”
It’s been very useful for when I forget this and get log-jammed up in here.
(It’s also useful for writing anything else really because asking myself “What are my personal thoughts?” helps get me away from writing-for-an-audience mode which I loathe because it’s not as authentic for me.)
July 11, 2022
A daughter’s pain
Met up with my daughter for dinner. She wanted to talk about something serious.
When we sat down she said she wasn’t going to cry but as she began telling her story, her face flushed and tears briefly flowed.
I held her hand and we talked and talked.
Food and tea came.
We talked some more.
Rivers of emotions flowed through us - sadness, fear, laughter, hope, resolve, uncertainty and so on.
The bill arrived and we talked a bit longer.
I learned of her enduring pain and bouts of suffering. I’d been aware of the surface of it for a good while but she kept the true depth of it within. I understood why because I’ve done the same thing — we hide our suffering so others don’t suffer.
Still, her burden became mine. I took her pain and put it in my heart. That’s what Dads do — when our children bleed, we bleed too.
As we walked back to her apartment and embraced in a warm hug, I saw a glimpse of that beautiful glow of youthfulness in her eyes I’d always seen and quietly wondered if she’d keep it.
I think she will because we’re kindred souls with forever young at hearts.
July 10, 2022
Short musings on losing 100lbs
At the peak of my bout with Meniere’s Disease a decade ago I weighted over 300lbs (the scale only went that high) — around 100lbs over my ideal weight.
It was when the scale topped out that it hit me it was time to change.
I couldn’t run or do anything physically vigorous for fear of triggering more violent vertigo attacks.
My neighborhood had three hills one after the other so I started hill-walkin’.
The hills were steep; I could only walk the first and smallest one.
Walking up got my cardio going where I’d be out of breath at the top, heart pounding and breathing hard. I’d stabilize on the way down. Later I realized I unintentionally doing a form of HIIT — high intensity interval training.
Initially I walked every couple days — soon it was every other day, taking around 30-45 minutes at a time.
As I got stronger I began walking two hills consecutively until I was doing all of them in one loop. By then I was doing them mostly daily w/weekends off.
Over the months, the weight quietly melted away and I began feeling physically better. It was getting easier to walk the hills and my high blood pressure was falling.
On the dietary front I deliberately kept it simple so it would be easy to follow:
- Way less sugar (and no more soda!)
- No more junk food — replace with healthy snacks like fruit, seeds, jerky, etc.
- Drink lots more water until it became second nature
- Eat more natural food w/less preservatives when possible
- At mealtime, stop eating when I feel 80% full
- No snacking/eating 2-3 hours before bedtime
- I allow myself occasional treats (pastries are a favorite). Gotta enjoy, y’know!
By the end of a year’s time I shed over 100lbs. It was a shock to me because it was actually pretty easy to do as long as I kept hill-walking (which in itself was a pleasant activity).
High blood pressure went away, so did acid reflux and my snoring significantly reduced (as my then wife cheerfully attested!).
At this point since I was strong enough, I changed things up and did more physical activities — hiking, barefoot jogs in woods, kayaking, trail biking, jump roping, and swimming. All easy and fun to do - that’s key to sustained exercise.
I mix it all up randomly for variety and to engage different muscle groups with breaks every other day or two.
As a result I morphed into the best shape of my life.
It’s been said it’s harder to keep the weight off than to lose it. Maybe, but if you make exercise (and eating) easy and full of variety it will become a part of your natural routine.
It helps to be consciously in tune to emotional triggers & moods so you’re aware if you start to veer off track (see below).
It is so refreshing to be able to do and enjoy things I normally couldn’t before. Your body will love you for loving it back.
Full disclosure: As mentioned this was around a decade ago. Since then there were two periods where I gained weight:
During a stressful divorce and heart-breaking estrangement from my daughter. Once I recognized the emotional eating triggers midway through divorce proceedings, I got back on track (and all is good with my baby girl!).
When I was very ill with Lyme disease and could not even walk outside. When my strength eventually came back I was able to slowly resume hiking/walking.
July 7, 2022
Welcome to my new digs!
As you’ve (hopefully!) noticed, this here blog sports a new, cleaner look. I’ve moved over to Blot for easier and simpler blogging. You can read a bit more on why from my last post.
The more things change…
On the surface there’s not a whole lot different other than looks. You’ll still find the same ole dribblings from me throughout on a variety of topics. Your comments were migrated over too and I’ve got new software powering ’em that’s self hosted on my own server so your data stays private with me.
Webmentions continue to work (and with Brid.gy where it pulls replies from social media)! I’m particularly proud of webmention support because it’s a great way for folks with blogs to communicate with each other and it was around before social networks became a thing.
New posts are still sent out automatically via email except it’s now self hosted by me (so once again your data stays private away from prying corporations yay!).
RSS peeps: Apologies if your feed readers got flooded; that sometimes happens when platforms change.
Over the next few weeks please be aware that everything will be a work in progress as I get settled/tweaked/tinkered into my new home here.
NEW: Journal of Thoughts
One thing I am doing new is keeping a “Journal of Thoughts” inspired by Derek Siver’s idea of “topic journals” where we store our thoughts on specific topics in topical folders, i.e. thoughts on health go onto a folder named health to be added to over time.
I love that idea because it’s a great way to be able to reference past thoughts in topically designated folders without having to wade around.
My implementation of Derek’s idea will be a more personal version via a regular “Thoughts of the Day” series where I jot down a variety of thoughts throughout a day into a hand-written journal and later “transliterate” ’em into Obsidian (where I write and store notes in the form of plain text files) that’s also shared on the blog.
Each individual thought is stored into its own note and filed into the relevant folder (like the health example mentioned above) for quick and easy referencing over time.
I hacked together a template in Blot that looks for these individual notes in those folders for that day (via creative use of tags/folder tags & post dates - more in another post later) and links ’em together into a blog “post” with a sub-header of “Thoughts of the Day.” Each note in that post retains its own URL, tag links, and comments.
I guess you could say I’m essentially faking a blog post by stitching several thoughts into one for that day. ; )
Creative blogging & gardening
Thanks to the way Blot and Obsidian work together seamlessly it makes blogging creatively like this easier and a joy to tinker with, not to mention foster whatever silly ideas I might come up with…
Like putting my entire collection of notes in Obsidian online via the blog so you can see all my secrets. I’m still tusslin’ around with the best way to do that (tags, metadata, and menus oh my!) and will share what I’ve learned soon enough.
This is why I’m loving Blot (and Obsidian) so far — they empower me to think out of the box and do things differently. That’s a lifelong mantra of mine.
Thanks for joining me along the way. :) Enjoy!
-Ray
July 5, 2022
Healthy boundaries
Ran into someone from a long time ago at the local bookstore. It was an encounter that felt quite disconnected. Formerly a great friend of mine, I cut him out of my life because he had become toxic and untrustworthy.
I was polite yet cool and reserved, minimizing small talk because I didn’t want to open the door to letting him back in my life. It was strange because I’m normally warm and welcoming.
It was sad because we had such a warm friendship. I could tell in his eyes he was sad too and probably surprised I didn’t welcome him back like I would in my old ways.
I just can’t trust him anymore from past betrayals — it’s one of those situations where I moved on because the trust is gone. It’s unfortunate. I still love him like a brother and we had many good times.
I’ve always had trouble moving on from those who mean a lot to me but when I’ve been screwed over more than once or someone becomes toxic I cut ’em out of my life.
That was a big lesson I hadn’t learned until my 40’s because I was always bending backwards to please (or rescue) people to my own detriment. It stemmed from my own insecurities & inferiorities and not wanting to lose friends.
As soon as I learned to set healthy boundaries life changed and became more stable across the board. Looking back, I see how it was a hard yet bold action that continues to ripple across the pond of life well into the future.
July 5, 2022
This is my last post …on Wordpress
(This was posted over on my old Wordpress site. I’m leaving it here for those of you stumbling upon new changes…)
After a over a decade of using Wordpress, it’s time to move on… to another platform. I’ll be moving this blog over to Blot in the next couple days.
Why?
Wordpress has changed. It’s gotten more powerful and complex with a frequent need of updating. Its focus seems to be moving away from a pure blogging platform to a jack-of-all-trades fancy page publishing system.
There’s nothing wrong with that — it’s insanely powerful and extensible but I’ve changed too.
Like Benjamin Button, I’m falling backwards into simplicity and ease of use. Hence Blot. It’s stupendously simple — just drop a note into a folder on your computer (or phone) and it magically appears on your blog.
Same with photos - I can snap something live on my phone and see it automatically materialize on the blog. Such beautiful simplicity is a must for a wandering nomad like myself with often limited connectivity.
Blot is also mischievously flexible — I’ve found it easier to bend to my will thanks to its clever templating engine and ability to use custom metadata. That’s how I was able to set up a “Journal of Thoughts” section on the new blog that stitches individual thoughts for the day into a single post while keeping each “thought” inside a tagged folder i.e. [health] (I’ll have more on all that in a future post).
As an added bonus, since Blot reads markdown (and txt & doc) files I’m able to plug my Obsidian app right in so all my notes and posts are linked together in the backend giving me a blog and commonplace book/knowledge management system in one. Whenever I edit or create a file in Obsidian, it can show up on the blog (more on this later, too!).
I’m excited about it and very much looking forward to blogging joyfully again with less friction for a change rather than contorting myself to make things work.
Those of you following via the RSS feed should be able to continue to get updates thanks to a redirect I set up. Down the road though you’ll want to update your feed reader to point to https://alongtheray.com/feed.rss on the new blog.
Unfortunately it’s a different matter for those of you following via Wordpress’ apps, etc. Since the new blog won’t be plugged into the Wordpress ecosystem you’ll no longer get notifications of new posts from there.
If you’d like to keep following me, you can get new posts by email by signing up here (Foment Labs is my self-hosted email platform). I’ll also continue sharing new posts to my Twitter and Fediverse accounts.
I’m very grateful to Wordpress for providing an open and stable platform for so long and wish ’em continued success — we need them. I will continue using Wordpress for my non-personal sites because it’s perfect for that.
If you have any questions, just post a comment. Thank you for following and see you on the Blot side!
-Ray
July 4, 2022
Awarness lost …and found
(Following up from Stuck “in”ertia…)
The other night I was digging through old Facebook archives for writings, memories, dreams, etc. I’d shared in the past to preserve into Obsidian and here.
It was there I came across a post from Fall of 2017 after a couple years of the full-time wandering life and stopped in my hometown for what I thought was going to be a brief visit.
It hit me — I hadn’t been stuck here for two years as initially thought — more like five years. Wayyy longer than I realized.
I was shocked when it sank in I’d been stuck here for that long. That’s five years of life and joy gone by in a blink of an eye with nary a nod to it.
To be fair, the first three years were spent rebuilding my body post-Lyme. And I did hit the road in 2020 for several months, making it as far as the California border until I came back exhausted because I wasn’t strong enough yet. COVID also began rearing its ugly head.
The rest of 2020 into the middle of 2021 is a wash what with COVID shutting everything down, including campgrounds n’ such.
So in retrospective it seems I’ve “only” lost around around a year — mid 2021 to mid 2022. I know I was strong enough to hit the road again by the end of 2021 but I stayed put because of the fear I wrote earlier.
Maybe I’m being unrealistically hard on myself for taking so long to get back to doing what I love. Or maybe I was unconsciously staying put to learn new lessons?
I struggle accepting it because inertia has been an issue in my life. Making excuses or roundabout justifications make it harder to expose truth and learning opportunities are lost.
Still feeling unsettled about this tells me that other than facing fear, I haven’t completely found the truth yet…
Until now.
It has to do with awareness — that I let these years slip by without being aware of it and being shocked to find out how long I’d been in a deep slumber.
That’s not being alive.
I’d rather be consciously doing nothing than unconsciously doing something.
Being aware while doing nuttin’ means at least I know what’s going on and I’m open to changing things up. But just churning through the motions unaware like a zombie is bleeding away life.
Lesson learned. To be sure it stays learned, I set a quarterly reminder on the phone to prompt, “Hey you. Are you aware of what you’re doing/not doing?”
(Another lesson learned? That writing things down on paper truly helps clarify thoughts and surfaces answers & insights into nagging issues.)
*
.: archives & search :.
←
An IndieWeb Webring 🕸💍
→
