You may have noticed I haven’t been traveling as much these past few months. While crossing the desert in Arizona last year, a thought popped into my mind — my dad is getting on in his years as he reaches his mid-80s and I ought to be around him more while he’s still here. Same for mom and the inescapable fading of her memory.
I have the rest of my life to wander all I want and I’ll still take side trips like I did to the Carolinas recently. The key is not to have regrets later — that I could have been around more.
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A consequence of being in one place more is I’ve been diving hard and fast into being on the computer all the time to get things done and shore up my businesses & side projects.
Big mistake. Despite being in as good physical shape as I’ve been in years and feeling great, my body crashed hard and the fatigue came roaring back.
A lesson I’ll take to heart and heed because the last couple of times I ignored the groans of my body as it fried over the computer, I fell into major illnesses (Ménière’s disease over a decade ago and Lyme disease a few years ago).
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When long-distance family came for a rare visit, I was unable to spend not even an hour with them because my eyes were still too fried from the computer to be able to lip-read much without keeling over.
That really bothered me because it was a missed opportunity to spend more cherished time with them.
It was then I realized it was the long tail of the Universe reinforcing that it’s time to make changes and I ain’t no spring chicken anymore.
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Just as well, too. The past few years I’ve been feeling this quiet itch to move back into the analog way of life—where I deal and create with tangible forms.
Like writing more by pen & paper (which I now adore), satisfying the urge to do more art in all forms—painting, Linotype printing, hand-making books & zines, etc. A bit of woodwork here and there… all of which would meld into a big part of things I create & do with my hands.
These are journeys of a different kind — alchemy — as I move into the next phase of my life: One where I honor my body, heart and creative passions at long last.
I’ll be sharing these ideas & project creations here as I fumble along this new path.
And rest assured, I’ll always be forever wandering.
Earth with and without us, chasing fatigue away, living room outdoors
Greenery all around. A yellow butterfly darts in and around tall grasses. A bird swoops through and over. Dragonflies zip, hover, and zip. Bees — they dance from flower to flower.
I’m overwhelmed at witnessing such abundance in this tiny slice of earth.
This… this is reality, naturally. The way it was long before we were here. And if Earth wills it, it’ll be here long after.
Are we so arrogant to think Earth needs us?
No. In fact, through its machinations and the errors of our ways, it is slowly eradicating our presence.
In its own good time, we will no longer exist (or have spaced on) and our beautiful Earth will have unfurled her beauty ten-fold without us in the way.
It will be truly glorious times and none of us to witness it.
Que sera, sera.
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Between intense quick trail riding on the bike and working on various things to outfit my car for camping/overlanding (and rescuing a fallen tree from being chopped up by cranking it away and off a picnic table), I’ve been sweating a lot. It’s a good sign. I miss and enjoy exerting hard enough to make the sweat come. It means I’m gaining my strength back so I can be more physically active and therefore it leads to better health.
I call it chasing the fatigue away.
It seems to be working, for the most part so far. Yay.
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Often I’m the only one sitting in the fields of San Felasco preserve watching the sun fade under the trees. It’s such a beautiful sight with hue colored clouds dazzling over the tops of trees and darkening greens below.
I get folks have dinners to eat, families to care for, etc. But why not adjust schedules so they (and their children) can enjoy nature’s beauties rather than going indoors just when she’s getting started?
Regardless - communing with nature is why I prefer to live in a camper so that my living room is outdoors with the sunset as my wall and the stars my roof.
Not used to feeling good, wood crafting?, running dreams redux
I’ve been having more moments of feeling good and am not used to it. These past few years it was an anomaly when I felt good, so I’m often surprised when I tell myself - “I feel good!”
When I do - I still have a bit of PTSD from it because when I did feel I had those rare moments of feeling good, the bottom would drop out and I’d feel weak-ass more than usual.
I feel like all this regular exercising is making a difference - things are not perfect and I still get moments of fatigue but they’re fewer these days, fingers crossed.
My clothes are fitting looser, and muscles are appearing in places I hadn’t seen in a long time, so I’d say we are making good progress so far. Yay!
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I still have this odd yearning to start working and creating with wood - as in build things - useful and also artistic. And paint ’em with art - use the wood as a canvas.
For whatever reason, this excites me so it seems to be something I ought to take a look at and see if there’s a way to have a mobile workshop I can take with me.
Maybe use hand tools only?
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xTerra odometer struck 177177 when I looked at it. What a strange and nifty coincidence!
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One of my dreams last night I was running more strongly and effortlessly than usual. My legs felt stronger and that they could go further and faster so I started pulling away and woke up feeling good.
It’s also my body telling me it wants to run (like past dreams) and so we shall tomorrow, probably @ Blues Creek trail.
Running in beauty, we shall!
(And another sign my exercise regimen seems to be working if new strength is showing up in dreams too.)
Lemmings on the road, falling back into shape, the grandest vision
I see rows and rows of cars lined up stuck in normal everyday traffic. I see people inside, some with glum expressions on their faces. And all I can think is we’re a bunch of lemmings.
Like the frog in the soon-to-be boiling water things just pile up — unending growth with no proper planning, giving preference to cars over people, bikes, scooters, trains, etc. so roads get wider (and yet more packed), concrete sucking up more and more nature and so on and on.
At what price for all this sameness and conformity and race for wealth and things to pile up and later discard?
When will there be enough rebels to stand up and say enough of this — let’s figure out a better way for all of us… and do it.
All the while saving the world.
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After an aggressive bike fly-through on the trails, there’s nuttin’ like winding down to a cup of hot coffee on a camp stove near the woods with a sunset bearing down.
Ahhh… Enchante.
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Slowly, bit by bit, my body is falling back into shape. I can feel it - more strength and easier to do things. Still some fatigue, but less so, and it’s easier to chase it away with a bout of rigorous cardio exercise.
I can see the slow evolution in the mirror when I brush my teeth in the mornings. It’s like seeing my old, vibrant, healthy self slowly emerge as decades of hard-to-lose fat falls away.
I remain ever so hopeful this is the path to a fatigue-free life again. The more I’m without fatigue, I realize how much it sucked the marrow out of my life.
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The sun is now setting behind towering trees shafting rays across golden fields. I look up and see hundreds of leaves fluttering like butterflies in the wind across the sky.
Isn’t nature the grandest vision of all? We are all so very lucky to have this tiny corner of the universe.
Hacked together a poor man’s coffee station for the back of the SUV for those long days or mornings I want to hang out in the woods or a park. Free scrap wood from Lowe’s made it possible, yay for the free things in life!
This setup helps take away the sting of not camping and there’s nuttin’ like making coffee in the wild.
(And it saves me quite a bit of $ from buying so much coffee at cafes.)
Also figured a way to mount my 5 lb propane tank on the roof of the xTerra, both to make more room for inside but also for safety reasons. I didn’t realize propane tanks vent gas when too hot (temp-wise) as a safety feature. Wouldn’t be good to be in car when it vents off on a hot day.
The car looks kinda cool w/ the tank and other stuff mounted up there now, lol. Feels like I’m an overlander.
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The time has fallen backwards, unfortunately—means dark falls around before 6pm, yuk. Going to try and stay at my “old” time so I can still enjoy more daylight hours.
Besides, there was a time (pun intended) where we all lived by the sun, not the clock. We’d just follow the natural rhythms of nature and her Earth…
Life was probably harder back then but I wouldn’t mind harking back to days of living on the land in harmony w/ nature.
A meditation secret, dreams of business, Dad ’n football
I’m finding one “secret” to meditating is to aim for at least 20-30 minutes of it minimum. 30 seems to be the sweet spot where the magic happens (ever so subtly though).
If I haven’t stuck to a regular routine of it, it’s harder to get back and stay in it — it helps if I tell myself I’m going to stay at it for 30 mins no matter what — just sit through the noise and thoughts and whatever else. Just follow my breathing, etc. I can feel it start to sink in again.
Persistence is key and mind + body will thank you for it.
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That dream earlier… the “American Idol” one, I’m wondering if it applies to my last tango w/ B & F?
The last meeting didn’t work out (buying out GC) and they were the two people in the dream? In essence we would have been partners if I was retained as consultant (and it sounded like F wanted me to continue to play a role @ GC).
So them two not “showing up” ala backing out, represented in the dream. Then there were my doubts (and possibly theirs too) that I couldn’t move forward with new plans for Gator Country because of my lack of confidence and being so out of touch with it over the years.
The assistant stage manager saying I was deaf and couldn’t do it represents that…
My resolve in the dream to counter that and walk into the stage lights may represent the future being bright if I finally stepped into my own and made GC“mine” again (i.e. those narcissistic wonderings I had) For the longest time everyone has benefited financially from GC except me or bare minimum).
My idea to reinvent GC is also back to roots is pretty radical and definitely goes against the grain of GC today. Hence my sometimes lack of confidence.
(That idea of bringing GC“back to roots” also makes GC more “mine” again in that it’s no longer being held hostage to fears of others and being stuck in the mainstream where it can’t effectively compete.)
In fact, it’s revealing I still feel some anger at that and people not trusting my vision, (therefore causing me to lack confidence).
So the dream may represent all these things and feelings - esp. coming right when B & F ( backed out again for the third time.
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I still have mixed feelings on keeping GC and reinventing it. In the mornings I’ll feel “ugh” and wish I had sold it and gotten it off my hands. I think mornings tend to be the truest feelings (unless I’m feeling crappy then it’s default behavior).
Most of the mixed feelings stem from the need to roll up my sleeves and get to work… and on the computer.
Maybe this is an opportunity to find some kind of balance using the computer and still somehow be productive on it?
There must be a reason this “back to roots” thing keeps coming back as the most viable and financially beneficial thing to do (cards are also always positive about it).
I just have to make sure I can go all-in on it in good balance without affecting my health.
I would just half-ass it and keep A, let everyone else go but that might be contrary to the spirit of the original “back to roots” vision?
I do want to be smart about this too but also trust my own gut and feelings even if they go against my mind.
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Watched a bit of the UF/UGA football game towards the end with Dad. It was a thriller it looked like, with tie score 20-20 at 4 minutes left. Then the Gators fell apart and lost.
I miss watching games with him — he always comes alive during these and when the Gators do well, he becomes happy-go-lucky. It’s a blast to watch him over the course of a game.
I’ve taken probably a permanent break from watching TV because my body and eyes always feel fried afterwards for days.
Had a very interesting dream last night because the feeling was very deep, meaning it’s a dream of significance usually.
I was part of a group of people divided into individual teams. We put together to create some sort of presentation art multimedia-wise.
The details are vague but I was advanced out of the team into a smaller trio—three of us. We were now on a much bigger production venue/facility, where we were to make a speech, play, present whatever we wanted to a huge audience. The setting reminds me of American Idol.
Just before we were scheduled to go on stage, my two partners still hadn’t shown up. And it was time to go—the stage manager came to tell us to get to the stage.
Seeing it was only me, one of the assistant stage managers said I was deaf and wouldn’t be able to do anything. That pissed me off—so much so I punched him in the face, clown-style.
I then resolved—you know what? I can go up there and tell them my story as a deaf person doing it in a sometimes hostile hearing world—that I have value and can contribute with or without partners (i.e., propping me up).
In a fit of determination, I stormed off towards the big stage. The new friends I had made throughout this showed up to have my back and I gestured to them to come join me.
I remember as I was walking to the stage wondering if I was being narcissistic, going up there to tell my story when it was a group thing.
I thought—well, everyone’s got a story to tell and I think sharing mine will help others.
As I was marching with resolve and excitement I woke up just before getting on stage.
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Meditating two times a day (within 30-60mins each time) seems to be the sweet spot. Any more than that I’d feel lost in the clouds. Less I don’t get deep enough of a connection.
These days it feels like my hard edges are melting away into the sweet Beloved.
