January 30, 2023
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I dug out an old sketchbook/journal I started seven years ago on the precipice of becoming a nomad.
After browsing through it, this deceptively little notepad morphed into a heavy brick weighed down from a time of uncertainty and loss of a soulmate kind of love back then.
I started this nomadic journey to explore unbounded freedom in nature and experience a deepening of soul. But after looking back at words and sketches from that turbulent beginning I realize maybe I was really running from my love-haunted self.
I still love and at times pine for that lost soulmate but there’s a certain kind of wisdom and acceptance belying it. And there’s deep appreciation for having experienced a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.
It feels I am starting anew every few years with different perspectives shorn from old skins whose layers of pain carved their wisdom into me.
The journey endures — it never ends because the moment I stop shedding old skins growth ends and a soul withers.
Desert thoughts →
January 29, 2023
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travels
Here I am sitting in the sand of the Sonoran desert not far from Lake Havasu City in Arizona. Camped nearby is a dear long-time camping buddy of mine, Doug. We each are fun loving silly heads who’ve tossed away remnants of normal life to live more freely as wondering nomads.
The day is razor clear and the wind stiller than usual — just enough of a cool breeze to shave some warmth from the sun. I’m surrounded by mountains - the Mohave, Whipple, and Chemehuevi. And the Colorado river meanders through down the hill from me.
I’ve got a lukewarm coffee sitting near, propping up an e-reader where I’m simultaneously reading “Desert Notebooks” and “A Joseph Campbell Companion.” Quite appropos for the world I’m living in at the moment.
I see a speck of a solitary car-camper perched up on a small cliff overlooking all. She appears each day before nightfall and leaves before the sun rises. Apparently this desert is her temporary home too. Hello there fellow nomad.
Speaking of nomads my camping buddy - a former chef in another life - is going to grill up a campfire version of his pot roast and he’s invited me over for dinner. I’ll bring over a couple sweet potatoes to top it off. “That’ll bump it up, Emeril style!” he says.
I ran into him six years ago camped on the shores of Lake Mohave at Telephone Cove near Laughin, Nevada. It was an instant friendship that’s evolved into “brothers from another mother” kind. We keep each other young and joyful with bouts of pranks and silliness that transports back to those carefree days of childhood yore.
That’s the beauty of this nomadic life — kindred spirits who collide across wandering paths and part as forever friends.
Meeting fellow souls on this solitary adventure has been one of the most fulfilling and least expected things to come out of this journey.
I’m not a people person. I’m what some might call an extreme introvert - a lone wolf - who thrives in aloneness.
And yet. These delicious souls I keep meeting along the way bring deeper dimensions of light and crack my soul a bit wider across the at-times-insane world we live in.
It’s revealing how these brief interludes with initial strangers result in profound relationships more enriching than the hurry-ness of acquaintancing in conventional brick and mortar life.
Perhaps it’s because out here in the wild ordinary life fades away and busy-ness ceases to exist and we begin to see and feel our true selves in communion with nature?
Rolling with it →
September 1, 2022
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camper
I heard back from the guy working on my camper that he was unable to lift the trailer (raise the camper for higher ground clearance) because the axle is welded to the frame and he doesn’t have the right equipment to cut through it.
Also found out he hadn’t ordered parts for other things so they have yet to arrive. He could have ordered well ahead of time and could have found the axle issues much earlier had he checked when I brought the camper in, sigh.
I want to feel pissed or annoyed at him for these unnecessary delays and such but I can’t. The energy simply isn’t there.
Not because I’m tired (well, I am weary of the slow pace of work) but because he’s just wired that way and I knew it going in. He’s a procrastinator that means well but doesn’t plan or check things ahead and he doesn’t seem to know how to multitask/juggle things around when something doesn’t work.
There’s not a whole lot one can do to change these kind of behaviors but to roll with it and get out when you can. I’ve found getting angry or upset in these situations is wasted energy and usually makes things worse.
He’s a really nice dude and does a good job when he gets it done and his fees are very fair (which goes a long way to saving money in today’s hot RV/camper market). And he’s saved further hassle down the road by finding I need new trailer brakes when he got under the camper.
I asked him to finish up the rest of the work by the end of next week so we’ll be outta each other’s hairs by then.
Many times when I “roll with it” I end up “rolling” into something better.
After he told me he couldn’t do the lift, I reached out to a master welder artist friend of mine (who did the awning earlier) to see if he could work with trailer frames and it turns out he can!
AND he’ll also be able to rig a hidden compartment for my compost toilet so I don’t have to keep it under my bed anymore. Currently I have to lift the bed and pull the toilet out to use it so it’ll be much nicer to just slide it in and out for easy access.
So even though I lose a week or two in delays I’ll end up ahead by having someone I very much trust to properly lift and weld the axle underneath and gaining a hiding place for the toilet that’s eluded me all this time.
Roll (poop?) on!
Biking uphill, camper update, writing analog →
August 26, 2022
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writing
Rode my bike for the first time in a good while — I haven’t felt strong enough to do it until now. It was easier than I expected and fun to glide down the path, feeling the breeze whiz by.
When it was time to turn around and head back, I realized I’d been going downhill most of the way.
Oh sheet my mind thought as I laughed. No wonder it was easy!
Ayup, it was a struggle crawling back up but I made it.
Boy, what was supposed to be a leisurely bike cruise ended up kicking my arse but it was so worth it because my body really needed it. It’s a different and seemingly more intense kind of cardio than jogging.
My mind also needed it for the confidence boost knowing I can work my way towards biking again regularly.
Now to find less slopey bike paths to ease my way back in so I don’t feel like puking at the end, LOL.
The guy working on my camper asked me to swing by and check on things.
Turns out he ordered the wrong parts for lifting the camper so we’re waiting on getting that done. Other than that everything else looks to be coming along well.
When they’re done working on it, they’re going to polish the fiberglass to make it shine brightly again, yay.
I can’t wait to get her back and start prepping her to hit the road again. I’ve been very much feeling trapped all this time being land-locked so it’ll be good for my soul to finally be free again to wander.
I’ve been writing everything, including these blog posts, by hand on a notepad the past few months.
But because I was already on the laptop at the moment I figured I’d go ahead and type in the thoughts you’re reading now.
I wrote one line and stuttered to a stop. My mind locked up and couldn’t go any further…
So I switched over to my trusty fountain pen & notepad and words started flowing freely again as if the ink in my mind undried itself.
It’s unusual not to be able to write on the laptop but I love it because it means I’m successfully reprogramming my mind to let words flow on paper after decades of writing digitally.
When I started writing on paper again it was hard so it’s interesting to see this on the flip (digital) side.
My mission of re-wiring myself from digital back to analog seems to be working out so far.
Feeling meh, exercise, and rage machine →
August 16, 2022
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health
I’ve been very tired lately — not a sentence I like to open with but it is what it is with chronic fatigue. It comes when it comes, often with no rhyme or reason. It just shows up like an uninvited guest.1
And it comes bearing gifts of ugly sweaters in the form of a 50 pound weight attached to your body and another 50 pound weight attached to your spirit as it pulls down physically and mentally.
Overall I’m stronger than I was a year ago. I also hoped maybe the chronic fatigue would go away. Maybe it will. At least it’s making less frequent visits but it sucks when it comes and drags you down just when you start feeling good again. Meh.
It probably explains why I haven’t felt much like writing lately.
If I feel crappy I may as well do something to help my body get stronger, right?
So I dragged myself over to a nature preserve and went for a short jog through the woods. Man, I was wiped afterwards but my body felt a bit better. Running (or anything cardio-wise) seems to help clear some stuck gunk out of my body.
A quick dip in a local pool afterwards helps recover from the run. I like to prop my elbows on a corner and close my eyes, feeling the cool water swirl around and work its healing magic.
I’m going to make it a goal to at least run or do some form of cardio every two or three days whether I feel good or not. Especially when I don’t as long as I can walk out the door.
All part of leveraging moments of weakness into strength — making lemonade outta lemons.
Lately I’ve noticed the “rage machine” has slowly infiltrated my Fediverse and Micro.blog timelines. Prior it’s been blissfully free of it.
I’m not sure why the change since I’m pretty much following the same folks as usual. I was hoping the rage machine would stay isolated to Twitter and the mainstream networks but where there are humans, human-ness inevitably follows.
It’s okay to see rage now and then but when I’m seeing it daily in my feed it takes away from enjoying seeing what my friends are up to and what’s new and cool, etc.
All is not lost however. Thanks to the wonderfully un-algorithmic nature of the Fediverse and Micro.blog it’s relatively easy to clean up one’s timeline by muting or unfollowing the more discordant voices out there.
I’ll miss their regular posts but better that than to see constant discontent in places I’ve come to enjoy.
I read somewhere that health is one of seven things you’re not supposed to talk about. It did give me pause since health is technically a selfish subject but I want to be an open book here chronicling the wandering life — good, bad, and boring.↩︎
Cycle of inspiration, new invisibility cloak →
August 3, 2022
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aging
I find myself still rattled about my daughter’s situation. I hope she finds some kind of resolution. She’s far too young to be in that kind of place so soon us older people tend to experience.
I feel her pain in my heart still and as her Dad I wish I could just make it go away and all be well.
It’s her path to walk and her choices. As always I honor that because by doing so I honor her. It’s why our bond is so strong — we have an infallible trust and love in each other shaped in part by respecting her agency even as a child. She also knows I’ll be there in a drop of a hat whenever she needs no matter how far away I am.
In the beginning of my wanderings I used to feel guilty for straying so far away from her even as she lives her own life. However, I’ve come to see how much she loves that I’m doing what I love and it inspires her to do what she loves.
As a result she clearly enjoys her life, her work and the things she does. Her life’s truth clearly radiates from her because she lights up with joy talking about these things.
So she inspires me, too.
And the cycle repeats.
Halfway through this weird life on earth, I’ve noticed the older I get the more unseen I become. 1
Elders used to warn me that day would come when we’d become invisible to most of society and I’m finding they’re right (as usual).
It’s so interesting how we start fade in the eyes of others when hitting the mid-century mark. It’s also a natural occurrence so it’s not something I resist. Go with the flow, as they say, and enjoy because your best years are ahead.
Again they’re right. The wisdom that comes with age is life’s reverse-kryptonite. It’s why when I look back I often wish I had that wisdom with me back then because life would be so much easier, right?
But then I wouldn’t have experienced life in the first place. It’s not just about the learning, it’s the journey to that wisdom that makes all the difference.
Being invisible? I don’t mind it.
In fact, I like it very much because all these years growing up deaf in a hearing world I always stuck out like a sore thumb.
Now I don’t.
I’m loving my invisibility coat of aging.
Astute readers might have noticed I’ve written about aging a few times but it’s not something I’m fixated on - it’s something that fascinates because it is a new experience and with it comes new observations and findings.↩︎
Time lost, “bookselves”, our tree rings →
August 1, 2022
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time
I recently returned from visiting mom down south and I wanted to go back. I always enjoy our time together, esp. when we swim the ocean at sunset and long talks over the swell of waves.
I only stayed a few days to rush back and get a move on camper renovation stuff only to realize when I got back that it could have waited a bit longer. That time with family is so precious (and short on earth!) it ought to be a priority rather than something stored in-between things to do.
Next time I should remember to stop and ask myself:
*Do I really need to do this thing and put off extra time spent with mom?”
Had I paused my mind and asked this I would have stayed.
Once again this speaks to cultivating awareness and not mindlessly rushing to and fro.
Awareness lost is time lost.
I ran into a regular at the local pool I frequent (’tis wonderful relief after those long, hot hikes) and we started talking for the first time. In the past all I knew of her was her friendly smile and wave.
It was fascinating. The more we talked the more I learned about her — her identity was unfolding itself in the eye of my mind. The things we told each other of our adventures and life, etc. all in a span of a few minutes was amazing and a reminder that we all have stories to tell and share.
That those we see across the room and don’t know have untold depths of layers far more than we could ever imagine. That what we see is only a tiny fragment of who they really are.
Books. We’re all unopened books stuffed with chapters of life within. When we open our bookselves to each other we’re forever enriched.
Oh the stories we could tell…
When I was first walloped by Lyme disease, my beard rapidly turned white.
A few years later when I had COVID (mild, even) white streaks started appearing in what’s left of my red hair.
It’s so strange to witness visible changes like that. And how aging sneaks up on you.
I always thought it’d be more gradual and maybe it is but when your body undergoes major shocks everything is thrown out of whack.
So when I see my hair I’m reminded of those fallen trees whose rings share tales of moments of trauma over their long years.1
In my case my “tree rings” will probably disappear over time given my family’s genetic penchant for baldness ; )↩︎
Torture test passed, Substacking Dad, newsletter gentrification →
July 28, 2022
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health
The last couple of days I’ve taken longer hikes in the middle of the day’s heat as a bit of a torture test to see if my body could handle it like it used to in those good ole pre-Lyme days.
To my somewhat surprise, it did just fine other than my knees being a bit sorer than usual from not being used to that pace.
I’m cautiously encouraged by this. It’s my goal to get back to being able to hike around ten miles in a day. That’s where the best, secret places are to enjoy!
I’ve found protein has a big impact on how far I can go. In the past it didn’t matter but post-Lyme it makes all the difference for some reason. My internal battery has changed — it runs out faster if I don’t store up some energy (protein!) in advance before a long hike.
It’s change I can live with as long as I remember to chow down a bit before doing anything physically rigorous.1
I’ve been working on setting up a Substack newsletter for my dad. He’s retired but his financial analyst mind is as sharp as ever and he has that itch to keep sharing his knowledge so I’m going to help him scratch it.
Through a brilliant computer program friend of his, he’s built several sophisticated computer models that track the economy, markets, etc. It’s deep shit — enough so that the Federal Reserve tried to hire him at one point (he choose to stay independent).2
While I have issues with Substack, it’s perfect for folks like my Dad who are not computer experts. It’s simple and easy to use with everything baked in.
When it goes live I’ll shout it out here for those of you who might be interested. It’s gonna be an interesting ride.
Speaking of Substack, my issue is how they are gentrifying the newsletter industry. Newsletters are all starting to look the same… and read the same.
It’s almost robotic — as if writers are churning stuff out by following some sort of Substack formula and forced writing by schedule (“oh it’s Tuesday I gotta shove something out so my readers don’t forget me!”).
By the time I’ve read several newsletters in the e-mail they’ve all bled together as if written by the same voice with no stand-out or personality. And with the same graphics, styles, etc. it’s even harder to stick out like a sore thumb.
So it’s gotten boring.
I wonder if it’s a catch-22 when they all have the same look and feel does it make them think and write the same via some sort of “path to success” conformity?
Don’t get me wrong - there’s quite a few excellent newsletters and writers I subscribe to there but these days it’s the exception rather than the rule. 3
BTW I’ve noticed those who blog (esp. for a good while) are the better newsletter writers. Probably because they’re treating them like blogs!
I have yet to find a protein bar that doesn’t taste like artificial plastic-y sugar. Why are they so sweet anyway?↩︎
Dad’s had his own clients for a long time - he’s where I got my entrepreneurial spirit from.↩︎
I’m aware I’m probably coming across as a hypocrite by putting my dad on Substack lol.↩︎
Love, “SEE”ing, staying cool →
July 23, 2022
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love
I was reflecting (fantasizing?) into the future of wandering around somewhere up north and making a new friend. Then we fall in love. That thought brought a whimsical smile and warmed my heart.1
Moments later — and always when musing on love — I remembered a past great love of mine. I started wondering why I always think of her in moments like these. We let each other go in so many ways… Was I still attached somehow?
Then it hit me. She’s my Patron Saint of Love. She’s the one who blew my heart wide open a decade ago and showed how one can love freely and unconditionally without the need to put fences up around them.
What an incredible and life changing gift. No wonder she comes to mind when love muses. I’m forever grateful to her.
NOTE TO SELF: Don’t get so lost in your thoughts on a hike through a lush forest that you end up not seeing anything.
Luckily I woke up three quarters of a way through and turned awareness back on.
That’s when beauty burst through — tall sentinels swaying, breezes tussling hair, butterflies dancing through shafts of light, birds, squirrels, a gopher turtle in a hurry2 and wary ears on deer.
…ahhhh… Awareness made manifest!
The heat intolerance came back again3. Granted, it’s been extra hot and humid lately but it’s still a larger concern of mine. The wandering life means I’m usually in the middle of nowhere nature, meaning no electricity, meaning no air conditioning on hot days.
In an emergency I can always hop into the car or a body of water to cool down and I can always make my own weather by moving to a cooler location or into town and plug in somewhere.
At least my heat intolerance level seems to be about ten degrees higher than it was last year so there’s improvement.
I’m just hoping it’s not going to be a persistent problem what with it getting hotter in more places, even the far north. I don’t want to lose my cherished freedom to wander anywhere I want.
I’m not going to give up — I’ve always found a way to mitigate most health issues, usually in unconventional ways when conventional treatment doesn’t work.
So I’ll keep experimenting with different modalities to see if I can solve this issue.
I’m also going to be more aggressive at improving my physical condition, i.e. do more cardio (running, biking, kayaking, etc.) to supplement daily hikes. I’d also like to lean up some more to further fortify my body.
At the least I’ll get something out of all this by getting into the best shape of my life whether I find answers or not.
Being such a lone wolf living the wandering life in a tiny camper seems it might be difficult to find love but I remain hopeful. I was born to wander …and to love (oh us silly Libras!). Undoubtedly I’ll write more on this.↩︎
I laughed when I saw the turtle mowing its way through the shrubbery, knocking everything aside. Maybe it was late for dinner?↩︎
I was going to skip sharing this because it might be redundant but it’s life and this blog’s a reflection of it.↩︎
Self-censoring, camper upgrades, being judgy →
July 22, 2022
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blogging
That automatic self-censoring impulse still kicks in sometimes when I’m writing. Makes sense though; it’s a lifelong habit of mine that I’m in the midst of reprogramming.
So when I find myself constantly stopping, deleting, revising, backtracking, etc. it’s a warning bell that my mind is doing the writing, not me.
That’s when I jump up and wrestle that sneaky bastid back into submission.
I’m really enjoying writing here so I want this place to be as pure as possible as an extension of myself with the minimum amount of filtering.
With the mind out of the way, writing is fun again. Words just sing1 out of the pen and there’s a certain kind of vibration within that resonates.
Speaking of word singing, Michael Perry’s very much in tune with his words, pop over and check him out. He’s a fellow wanderer, except his backyard is the whole world.
Dropped the camper off at the RV handyman’s place for a couple weeks. He’s going to do all the upgrades & fixes I’ve wanted for awhile, especially lifting the trailer it sits on by three inches so it sits higher for more ground clearance for further wanderings for more fun. For! for!
It’s strange. The camper is technically an inanimate object (until it’s moving behind my car?) and yet I already… miss it.
It’s my beloved, she’s been through so much with me through these years and I have waited so long to go on more adventures with her.
She is my home.
That time is coming near. I hope to be out of here by the end of summer and things have cooled off a bit.
Me and my camper watching a sunset
I’ve noticed the older I get, the more “judgy” I seem to have gotten towards people, things, myself, etc.2
It’s silly, boring stuff (did I just judge myself?) and it’s a waste of energy that leads to endless cycles of stress, discontent and crappy feelings.
I don’t want that clutter in my mind so I’m trying to be more consciously aware of catching these judgements and releasing ’em as they come.
I don’t want to do it just because it’s right thing to do. Selfishly, I want to do it because it’s a path towards a clear and uncluttered mind.
Which leads to more room for kindness and serenity — which leads to selflessness.
Interior bike mount, tech age eating earth, thinking too hard →
July 21, 2022
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technology
I finished adding an interior bike mount to the SUV after a couple hours of drilling, measuring, screwing, a little blood, unscrewing, re-measuring, re-mounting, etc.
For the curious, this guy’s instructions & photos were very helpful.
(Ignore that extra plank of wood behind the mount, I forgot to remove it)
As you can see, it’s a plank of wood bolted to a pair of rails underneath on both sides to hold it steady. Some SUVs like the Xterra have rails underneath that let you bolt/mount/strap things down to.
I popped the bike on the mount and went for a quick, wild ride around town to test it out. Test passed — the bike held fast and didn’t sway at all. Yayfers!
I’m stoked I was able to do a little bit of that handyman stuff and it’s motivating me to do more. Like a pull out drawer/tray next to the bike in the SUV to have more organized storage for things. Maybe have one compartment that’s moisture proof for storing my notebooks and books in (and another for dry food)?
My SUV is essentially a portable storage unit since there’s only so much my tiny camper can hold. May as well get creative with it and go all out, right?
I read “Thirsty, secretive data centers” on how they’re sucking up enormous amounts of water and are refusing to disclose how much of it they’re using. Google’s even taking the extra step of building their own pump stations to make it harder to monitor how much water they’re extracting.
This, on top of microchip manufacturers needing tons of water and the massive amount of electricity technology uses (esp. crypto mining), has me wondering if this amazing era of technology and internet will end up gobbling the earth up until there’s nothing left.
Technology has been an incredible, outstanding boon for the growth of civilization (for the most part); now the conundrum is we seem to be in a race of outstripping earth’s capabilities to support same civilization’s progress.
Sci-fi has all these stories about technology rising up ala Terminator and wiping out humans but maybe it’s more like we extinguish ourselves through extinguishing the planet’s resources?
I’ve noticed lately when I do heavy thinking (like sorting out coding in my head) I get headaches and it feels like I’ve drained my battery. And this is when I’m not even on the computer.
Maybe I’m just getting old or my brain cells have gotten creaky. Anyone have a spare brain to power-share?
Or at least tell me I’m not the only one experiencing this, ha?
New bat wings, getting handy, heat intolerance →
July 18, 2022
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camper
Do I ever stop having thoughts? Nope.
..My camper sprouted wings!
Local welder guy put the new Overland System “bat-wing” 180 degree awning on my Scamp and he did a fantastic job. He crafted custom mounts and it’s rock solid — something I really needed because I often travel on rugged roads and my last awning fell off.1
These things are typically for vehicles with roof racks to mount ’em on but I thought why not a camper? Typical tiny camper awnings give tiny shade meaning as the sun arcs across the sky, we gotta play musical chairs to stay in the shade.
I unfurled the awning this early evening and it works beautifully. And easily — took less than a half a minute to open it up (and close). Perfect.
Can’t wait to start using it!
Oh, you wanna see? Here you go:
(Ayup, the camper will get a good scrubbing after all work is done on it!)
It’s also a psychological boost for my spirit to know we are finally making moves to get back to our beloved wandering life.
UP NEXT: Clean stuff out of the camper and take it over to the RV guy in a tiny town called Waldo to do the rest on my list, including giving the trailer a lift so it sits higher for better ground clearance and crazier adventures!
..I like to think I’m kinda handy
Bought myself a drill for Father’s day and gathered up various components to install a bike rack inside the SUV. Before, I stored my bike on a rack on the back of the camper but over time the bike became ruined from a constant pelting of road dust/grime/mud and rain (I tried a cover but it blocked the brake lights so ’twas a no-go).
I’m stoked about it because I’m not a handyman kinda dude but I do like to tinker around and build small projects like this as proof to myself that I have some skills (rawr). Will see how it goes and hope the damage is minimal.
..Heat intolerance
Had a heat intolerance episode2, a first in a while. Ugh. Not sure what to make of it yet. I know it’s been extra hot and humid lately, plus I took some Lomatium3 today to avert an itchy throat (mission accomplished).
Had a strong acupuncture session yesterday so that may have had something to do with it — it sometimes takes a couple days for my body to adjust.
Will just have to see how things go esp. with it being a hot summer. I’m very hopeful it’s a temporary anomaly because I don’t want to have to worry about hot days back at the wandering life.
I was slowly making my way down a mountain on a badly washboarded road. About halfway down I happened to look in my side mirror and saw one end of the awning dangling around by a thread. Got out and saw that a metal mount had completely sheered off. Crazy. I ended up ditching the awning because it was such a pain to wrangle with anyway and I hardly used it as a result.↩︎
It’s one of those Lyme disease quirks where my body sometimes can’t regulate temperature internally on hot days and melts down.↩︎
Long story short, conventional medical treatment for Lyme disease made me much worse so I went to a Traditional Chinese Medicine specialist / acupuncture physician for treatment. I took an array of powerful herbs of which Lomatium was primary. That stuff was amazing and gave me my life back. I keep a bottle of it handy since it’s effective for a variety of ailments.↩︎
Blood isn’t inviolable →
July 15, 2022
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A close relative’s birthday was the other day and I didn’t say anything. There’s a firm sadness about it because I wish we we had a normal relationship with good relations I’d imagine most others do.
I had to cut them out of my life a few years ago because of their toxic behavior and how they treated others in the family.
For some reason I used to think one shouldn’t cut family out of their life, that blood did not allow it and it wasn’t honorable. Maybe it’s because I was raised in the south, where family is bond.
I learned it doesn’t matter. That it’s a basic and inviolable human right to not be treated badly, family or not. There’s no obligation to keep someone in your life if they’re toxic.
It doesn’t mean one has to stop loving. I’ll always love them from afar, behind healthy boundaries. Sometimes that’s the only way to do it.
Peeling away layers & finding lost pieces →
July 15, 2022
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blogging
It wasn’t easy writing blood isn’t inviolable because it weighs heavily but also because I’m normally a private person. Yet I want to keep opening up and peel away these layers I hide behind. As a good friend of mine reminded me,
“…the unexamined life is not worth living.”
Of course some might think I’m being too open or that it’s none of anyone’s business. Maybe so but I write here for myself and none other.
That’s the way it should be, especially growing up all these years as a deaf person trying to conform to the ideals of hearing society and losing my own identity in the process.
This space is a way of reclaiming that identity halfway through my life. The journey towards openness isn’t without without occasional trepidations yet is refreshingly authentic and quite healing.
It feels like I’m recovering lost pieces of me back into who I am (hullo, Mr. red-Potato-head!).
Hiring by gut →
July 14, 2022
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business
While helping my COO transfer her crypto to a hard wallet, we dug deep into a potential hire for my business. Her and my employees are over the moon about them and they seem to check all the boxes for us.
The problem is my gut feels awful about it. That if we hire them it would somehow backfire on us. I keep digging into it and can’t shake it for whatever reason. It’s pretty frustrating sometimes.
I’m mulling overruling my gut and hiring them anyway and see how things go, esp. because in this day and age it’s getting harder to find quality people.
The thing is my gut is rarely wrong when it comes to hiring employees.1 So I’m stuck right now in pulling the trigger one way or another.
At least we have a bit more time to see how things play out.
I’m grateful our staff trusts my gut when it comes to these things. Their patience is a valuable gift because it keeps us from moving on things when it doesn’t feel right.
(FYI this was nearly a month ago, I’m catching up posting from my handwritten journal)
7/14 - FOOTNOTE: My gut was right after all and the situation resolved itself; we ended up hiring another person whom we’re excited about. Patience is indeed a virtue!
The business has a remarkable run of hiring well and we have a great reputation for bringing in excellent writers or those who evolve into it. The last time I overruled my gut feeling (which was going off like a five alarm fire bell) and hired someone it pretty much bankrupted the company. I remember being really sick with Meniere’s Disease at the time and my back was against the wall.↩︎
The struggle to write →
July 14, 2022
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blogging
Once again I struggled writing hiring by gut, tearing out page after page.
I realized I forgot to think of this blog as a personal journal first before anything else.
Once I corrected this thinking, words flowed again.
Part of the struggle is although this is to be a personal journal, for obvious reasons some things like names, specific details, etc. need to be masked out of respect for the privacy of others.
So I was stuttering around with my pen trying to wrangle the proper wording to say things and that’s when I reminded myself to keep writing personally and then make the changes needed after.
I put a note on top of my journal in big letters as a reminder:
“write for yourself first and sort the rest after”
It’s been very useful for when I forget this and get log-jammed up in here.
(It’s also useful for writing anything else really because asking myself “What are my personal thoughts?” helps get me away from writing-for-an-audience mode which I loathe because it’s not as authentic for me.)
Healthy boundaries →
July 5, 2022
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mental health
Ran into someone from a long time ago at the local bookstore. It was an encounter that felt quite disconnected. Formerly a great friend of mine, I cut him out of my life because he had become toxic and untrustworthy.
I was polite yet cool and reserved, minimizing small talk because I didn’t want to open the door to letting him back in my life. It was strange because I’m normally warm and welcoming.
It was sad because we had such a warm friendship. I could tell in his eyes he was sad too and probably surprised I didn’t welcome him back like I would in my old ways.
I just can’t trust him anymore from past betrayals — it’s one of those situations where I moved on because the trust is gone. It’s unfortunate. I still love him like a brother and we had many good times.
I’ve always had trouble moving on from those who mean a lot to me but when I’ve been screwed over more than once or someone becomes toxic I cut ’em out of my life.
That was a big lesson I hadn’t learned until my 40’s because I was always bending backwards to please (or rescue) people to my own detriment. It stemmed from my own insecurities & inferiorities and not wanting to lose friends.
As soon as I learned to set healthy boundaries life changed and became more stable across the board. Looking back, I see how it was a hard yet bold action that continues to ripple across the pond of life well into the future.
Am I wasting time? →
June 23, 2022
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time
Spent most of the night catching up a bit with “Billionaires” (@ Showtime) and wondered if I’m wasting my time again?1 (Earlier I suggested to myself that I write or do art in place of streaming in evenings)
I struggle with the answer… My immediate thought is a resounding “YES!”
Yet I also know it’s important to have “unwinding time” to zonk out and enjoy some entertainment.2 And sometimes I gain creative inspiration from it.
Maybe the secret is to allocate some kind of balance to the process. I.e. catch up on streaming stuff for an hour (or two max) and use the rest of the evening on writing or arting (as long as I’m not too wiped out from the day).
My wandering blood doesn’t like structure so it’ll be interesting to see how this pans out…
Energy surge →
June 23, 2022
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health
The past few days I’ve had more energy and strength — I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Maybe from working and prepping the camper for getting back on the road? Could be an internal joy that I’m finally actively doing something to get back to the life I love? And/or the extra physical activity somehow boosting my chi?