Looks like I’m stuck again.
Nearly two years have slipped by1 since I was wandering the land in my camper, cut short because I hadn’t fully recovered from a prior bout with Lyme disease (where I spent two years earlier rebuilding my health back from barely being able to walk out the door).
Today I’m actually stronger save for occasional fits of chronic fatigue. I can correlate most of these episodes from being on the computer (or anything with an electronic screen) too much which somehow beats up my immune system2.
Yet I persist in that crazy loop and I’m still here with a camper now needing a bit of an overhaul from sitting so long.
What’s the issue?
Is it laziness? Perhaps due to all the work the camper will need? It’s a vigorous job I don’t always have the strength for. But that’s easily remediated by doing it in steps or hiring a helper. So I don’t think it’s the cause.
Now we’re talking.
The first year of recovering from Lyme disease was devastating and soul crushing. It was bewildering to completely lose strength and the vitality of life that goes with it. My body was stolen from me and it eerily mirrored a long struggle with Meniere’s Disease over a decade prior that nearly drove me to suicide.
I’m haunted just thinking back to those days. Maybe that the full rage of Lyme (or something else) roars back while I’m on the road. Maybe I’m worried if I get that bad again I’ll want to “check out” having endured enough suffering in this lifetime, too weary to fight back to life once again.
When push comes to shove, I don’t think I’d go that far. I have a beautiful soul of a daughter I’m very close with. She’s the light of my life and why I am still here.
Perhaps thinking and writing about all this will help chip away at this — facing one’s fears tends to do that. I’m finding that my inertias are usually masked by fears waiting to be acknowledged, embraced and released with grace.
So here I go venturing forth into my fears to live and breathe life so that I can be free once again.
POSTSCRIPT: I wrote this a few weeks ago; it was very cathartic to write and share. In preparation for getting back on the road I had my vehicle that tows the camper tuned up & added new tires with off-road capability. I’ve been going over the camper for things to fix and reached out to a nearby shop who will overhaul it and do long-time wishlist stuff (like raising the axle & adding larger tires to be able to access more remote camping spots. Yay!)
It’s odd how time flies even when sitting still… I thought around a year had passed until I sat down to write this and to my surprise I find it’s been two years.↩︎
Almost every major illness (Meniere’s, Lyme, and COVID (although mild at the time)) was preceded by intense periods of being on the computer for hours and hours. Why I have yet to fully grasp that lesson is on me — it’s those times at full strength I plow into heavy computer stuff thinking it won’t happen again then I get knocked silly.↩︎
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