Moments of bliss are allowed

The other night I was driving in the countryside through orange-red skies and tall green trees. Cool breezes danced across my face and I fell into total serenity — bliss.

The moment I felt that bliss I mentally reached out to cut it off until I caught myself and backed that original instinct off.

A few months ago I asked myself: Why do I have an automatic reaction to yanking myself out of these beautiful moments of bliss? I used to dwell in those magical slivers of time often. What changed?

I think it has to do with struggling and surviving through the twin aftermaths of Meniere’s and Lyme disease over time. It was constant moments of one step forward, two steps backwards.

Whenever I felt good and strong, I’d think I was finally breaking through to getting back to normal health. Then I’d get knocked back and suffering resumed.

Enduring years of that hell had conditioned me like Pavlov’s dog where the moment I felt good, I’d flinch and wonder what was in store for me. As if I wasn’t allowed to feel good because I’m supposed to be suffering and to break that rule would bring more hell. That’s when I started snatching those moments of bliss away before they’d sink in.

I became aware of what I was doing and started consciously trying to stop myself from shooing the bliss away.

That orange and red night I was finally able to override wanting to override the bliss and allow myself to soak in a beautiful moment and truly feel it. It was wonderful — another long lost piece of myself coming back to life.

It’s a reminder we are allowed our moments of bliss as they come regardless of what’s ahead…. To be in the moment and dance with her when she comes.