February 5, 2014

immovable pain

i thought you were gone
to haunt me no more

but you slipped into
my heart this morning,
this pain

i thought you had left

but instead,
you sat in my heart
all day, all night

this immovable pain

i really thought
i was done with you

but there you were,
pulling me down
winching tears into my heart
from above

try as i might, i couldn’t
embrace you or
push you away

you just moored there,
all day, all night

an immovable force

i know you’ll be gone soon,
fading away into the night
just like you snuck into
my heart

but will you ever begone,
forever uprooted?

July 20, 2013

darkness I hear you

darkness:

I hear you

amongst starry skies

come forth

I embrace you

creator of light

shadows of who we are

come dance with me

give source to my light

so that I may shine.

7-20-13

March 4, 2013

Life and death and a squirrel

One a weekend long ago I was exploring and came across an abandoned cabin. When I stepped onto the porch, I saw a dead squirrel lying on the wooden planks amidst the dust, apparently trapped when it came in and couldn’t remember the way out. It wasn’t too long ago that it died because its body was still full and furry.

It was poignantly beautiful to see the squirrel lying there, stretched out on its stomach as if it were taking a nap. The quietness and stillness of the tattered, frayed cabin made the whole vibe even more surreal.

In an unintentionally intentional way, the cabin served as a church to the dead squirrel, paying homage in its own way now that it was devoid of life. Nature played its part, casting long rays of the sun across the body with leaves swaying against the screen in a juxtaposition of life and death.

I remember standing there, taking in the beauty of it all, and wondering… What was it like to lie there, depleted, giving up? Or did the squirrel fight all the way? Do animals even have the capacity to be aware of giving up? But most of all, what was it like to be there for days, trying to find a way out all the while starving and thirsting to death? And what was death like for the little guy as he laid down and took one last exhale, forever letting go of a life that led to being trapped on the porch of a long abandoned cabin way out in the woods?

For some, thinking of death is uncomfortable, but to think of death is to think of life because you can’t have one without the other.

August 19, 2004

Tears for homeless

Our little Alyssa saw a homeless man for the first time on the side of a road and burst into tears, breaking all of our hearts.

Oh, the beautiful sweet humanity of children.

October 6, 2001

Phantom brother

While on vacation in Nashville, Alyssa — a few years old at the time — started talking to someone in our hotel room. The thing is no one was visibly there. We asked her who she was talking to and she said, “My brother.”

It sent chills down our spines because we had a miscarriage of who we believe would have been our son a few months before Alyssa was born and she hadn’t known that…

December 16, 1999

Reckoning

From my original blog.

I look at my beautiful 16 month old daughter, flaming red-hair and dazzling blue eyes inherited from her Daddy, and watch her straddle in the front yard towards a tiny flower sprouting among the grass. She bends her cute little knees in an effort to reach the flower, and plucks a solitary petal from it.

Right then and there, that endearing image burned itself into my memory, to be kept forever and ever within my mind and my soul, just like a camera blazes an imprint into a thin piece of film in an instant.

Now, many hours later into the wee night, I began processing the image, just like developing and printing the film. When that image of Alyssa in the yard came into view with stunning clarity and impact, my heart soared and my eyes welled.

This is my daughter, a child of my own. A piece of me. A part of my soul. All there, right in front of me in the yard…

At last, I understood the fierce and undying love that comes with being a father. Oh, I knew it all this time since the day she came into my life, but today was a day of reckoning.

You see, when I feel that fierce burning love for her, I soar into the heavens and feel entirely whole, radiating complete understanding, happiness, and love. So much so, it feels like an infinite explosion, expanding infinitely into the universe.

It is during those times that I truly know where God is coming from. Love. It conquers all, and it is the true language of God. Undying, everlasting, wholesome love. That’s all you need to understand.

My reckoning is this: I wish I could feel like that all the time, every day, every minute, and every second of my life. And then I would be living (or loving?) in total bliss. I see those wise men and women, apostles all, and now I understand the total state of bliss and connection they feel.

The love I have for my darling Alyssa is always there, and always will be.The question is, why doesn’t it totally encompass my life for every single second? Better yet, why don’t I make it happen?

At least, now, I have a goal to strive for. To love like that, like God, to not just my daughter but to every single person in my life. Just think how much better my life would be and the impact it could have on everyone else around me.

That, to me, is the ultimate goal you can strive for and at the same time it will bring you ever closer to God, because you will be following his example.

Love, Ray

June 8, 1999

Thank you, God.

From my original blog.

Dear God,

After going over some “old” photos of our darling baby Alyssa from when she was just born, my heart just filled with such an outpouring of love for the tiny little life we held in our hands.

God, I’ve never known or felt that kind of special love that’s reserved for dear, innocent children. It is such a fulfilling kind of love, one that expands the capacity of my heart beyond boundaries ever known.

Now I know what it truly is like to be a parent. It is such a special honor of the highest order in one’s life. It is because we have come together, You and I, to create a beautiful, perfect human being. As You’ve said so often, God, creating is one of the best things a soul can do, because it is creating everlasting love, all in your image.

Now I truly see how you do Your work. It’s all in the name of Love. I can see how it can encompass and envelope all who surround our little child, for she and all other children are truly your angels bringing together people and letting the love flow. I can see how it can flow forth for generations and generations as our children bear children of their own and reinforce our love as grandparents and so on into eternal life.

God, by giving us a child you have made us more human than ever. We now glow with passion never felt before, all for our little child. This is the kind of love we never want to let go of, and it is the kind of love we want to share with everyone else because you have given us the greatest gift in the world — a child, and so we shall share her with the world, and thus spread love throughout.

Thank you so much, God, for blessing us with such a beautiful, loving child. Our child is now teaching us what love is really about and showing us the unlimited capacity of our loving hearts. Really, God, when we look into our child’s eyes, we see in her, You. Because that is what you are all about.

We love you, God.

-Ray

October 10, 1998

Choices

From my original blog.

I recently caught a new series on the tube last night called “Felicity.” It’s about a girl who graduates from high school and decides not to attend Stanford, but New York University because the guy she has a crush on is going there. When she finally gets to New York, she finds out the guy isn’t interested in her as a girlfriend, but “merely” as a friend.

Naturally, she was really disappointed. She made a big choice, well more like a big gamble based on unknown factors, and her choice backfired in her lovely face. In short, she took a really big risk that most folks wouldn’t even consider and paid for it, but not dearly as most are wont to think. This show struck a chord in my heart.

I believe life contains lots of hidden factors that we’ll never be aware of. You know how they always say that fate is inexplictly entwined into your life-threads? And that there are no coincidences in life? Life could be like that, and it may very well be. After all, how are we to find out otherwise?

Just because “It is” doesn’t mean “It isn’t.” Life is about choices, and we all make them daily, big ones and small ones. Choices. It’s a powerful word — one that’s virtually guaranteed to change your life. Maybe we do have hidden paths designated for the rest of our lives, but who’s to say that there’s but one path to follow? I believe there’s a great many paths to choose from, all pre-determined.

Does that make sense to you? Let’s say you’re walking through the proverbial forrest and come across not one but many forks in that well trodden path you’re on. Now you’re presented with choices. Do you go right? Left? Center? North? West? East? South? Northeast?

Fate brought you to this juncture, and now it’s your turn to choose what path you want to go through. You do have a conscious choice to make, and while your future may or may not be predetermined, you do have the ability to directly influence your life, at least for the present.

Me, I’m a fan of making BIG choices — one that can dramatically change your life. I don’t like living a real comfortable life. I like to have fun, change, and excitement. So, I choose the more difficult or illogical “paths” down my life, and I do find my life far more enriched as a result. Oh yes, my life has also been more difficult because I didn’t take the easy path, but isn’t life about experiencing, well, LIFE?

Sure, there’s a reason why some folks take the easy path all their lives, and live a very comfortable existence. They may be very well content, too — one of the most peaceful folks on earth. More power to them, indeed, for they bring balance to our earth.

However, I just think there’s so much more to life when you lead yourself astray from the beaten path and go forth to explore. Who knows what wonders (and dangers) you’ll find? Wouldn’t your life be more interesting and richer?

Now, just because I advocate making harder choices than most doesn’t mean you can’t do it, even if you’re 45 and have three children to take care of. When I talk about paths, I don’t just mean physical paths or choices. I mean also mean emotional and spiritual paths. You could lead one of the most normal lives on earth like an accountant with 2 kids and a wife at home who go on vacation two weeks a year to Walt Disney World… and yet you could be one of the most daring, intuitive, spiritual people in the world. How’s that? Harness your mind. Open it up to new vistas, learn new things, and explore your spirituality! That’s one way you can make more conscious choices in your life and become a better person while maintaining a semblance of a very normal life.

As you’ll discover or already know, life is about making choices, and you do have a direct choice in how you life your life, especially inside and spiritually. Did you know you can also choose to be happy or unhappy? They are complex emotions but a very simple choice can make a whole lotta difference in how you look upon life and especially how you live it.

Choices. It’s all about living life. Live it to the fullest!

June 23, 1998

The Beating Teen

From my original blog.

This is an old poem I wrote in high school (’86) for a poetry contest. We were to find a poem by a favorite author of ours and then rewrite the poem, using our own words but keeping the concept. I was assigned this poem, and while I didn’t like the subject, I did the best I could.

The teenager across the street is beating the mother again and yelling to all that hear his greatness and her wrongs.

Wildly she crashes through the kitchen pleads in the living room while he in spite of druggedness pursues and corners her.

He beats and beats the pleading mother ’til the gun falls out his hand. Her tears are a waterfall to wound like memories.

My head beaten bad by a gun, the fighting struggle to stay free, the blows, the fear worse than blows that drugged.

Words could bring, the face that I no longer knew or loved… well, it is over now, it is over, and the woman weeps in her house.

And the teenager leans dazed on the wall, worn out, purged– avenged in part for lifelong hidings he has had to bear.

June 23, 1998

The Alpha IV Mission to Mars

From my original blog.

“Retro-thrusters engaged.”

“Velocity at 450 mph, approaching descent.”

“Desination now approx. 5 miles below.”

“All systems are go.”

“Increase thruster boost to 1001 lbs. at 500 mph.”

“Present velocity is now 301 mph.”

“Boosters increased to 2000 lbs.”

“Present velocity is now 85 mph.”

“Approaching destination — prepare to land.”

“Descent at 1mph w/ 3000 lbs. thrust upward.”

“All systems okay.”

“OH LORD! Engage thrusters to the max!!”

“God help us!”

“Use the main thruster! Get it up!”

“The dang thing won’t go! Tarnation!”

“We’ve hit land…”

“Drat! Get the hell out and see what it is!”

“Take the first aid kit just in case!”

“The hatch’s open. Let’s go!”

“Call Mission Control. Tell them what happened!”

“I will when you guys finish checking on that thing.”

“Okay. What are we waiting for? Go!”

“The ground’s okay.”

“Oh my God!”

“It’s under the landing gear!”

“Shoot! Radio Mission Control!”

“Mission Control. This is

Alpha VI. We have news.

We have landed safely but we

Have found what may have been

The first sign of extraterrestrial

Intelligence in the universe.”

“Congratulations Alpha VI!”

“No, we don’t deserve any…

…we killed it.”

“Why!? How!? What!?!”

“We accidentally landed on it..”

“You bunch of incompetent astronauts!”