After years of fighting a chronic and incurable illness, once strong floodgates holding within finally cracked and blew open, unleashing a torrent of despair.
My will, my strength, my heart… Which survived so many trials as the rock of my world, shattered into millions of pieces. Ominous thoughts of killing myself flitted in and out, torturing and tantalizing me.
That was it. I saw darkness everywhere, even in light of the sun.
With all crashing around me, my own body responded in kind and I collapsed into my then-wife and daughter’s arms with a cry of
I can’t take it anymore… I just can’t.
I wept as never before, tears pouring forth from every fiber of my body and soul. It was a purging, the deepest kind, one that renders you raw inside and out utterly and totally.
This is the end. There’s going to be nothing left of me after this. How could there be after being on intimate terms with such an unrelenting hell?
Spent and lifeless, I was gently laid back in bed, where even my dreams were tainted by disease.
The next morning, the sun rose as always, but the tint of evil I saw in it as a reminder of another day of despair wasn’t as strong. This time it was filled with a tiny shimmer of hope. An unusual seed of promise, one that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I felt different. I still felt so raw, but it was a cleansing kind of raw, the kind where you scrub a wound so thoroughly that all infection is removed so it can start healing.
It was disorienting. Why was I feeling this seed of hope and promise within now, after the ground under me had fallen out?
Turns out the torrent the day before was a tsunami violently crashing through, sweeping and cleaning everything out. I had hit bottom. There was no further to go.
Tilling my soul like the hard soil it was, life had been conspiring all along to make it fertile for the planting of that new seed of life, of promise, of love. To surrender. To be reborn.
The light growing from the seed within prompted me to find a spiritual mentor and show me how to heal within, to nourish this seed and let it flourish.
I found her. She looked at my hands and smiled warmly. You are to be a healer, she said. But first, you must heal yourself. She pointed the way, saying it was divine guidance that I meditate and my life would change forever.
Day by day, I danced with meditations. Night by night, I soared into the heavens. With each step I felt myself healing, bit by bit. All kinds of beautiful light, energy, and visions started pouring forth. My hands now burned with healing energy.
Within months, what had plagued me for so long lifted like a veil, to haunt no more. This seed of hope had grown, unfurling towards a long and winding journey of rebirth into the immortal beloved.